Jess Judges People Who Take The Internet Too Seriously

Note: Jess, a frequent comedic muse for all of us here at IDDx, has chosen to grace us with his vitriolic brillance in this, the blog's inaugural guest post. Enjoy.
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In an effort to break the previously nigh-impenetrable color barrier of YM/IDDX, I have decided to end my months-long silence. Perhaps you’ve seen the way I seem to dominate the subconscious of our two gracious hosts and co-authors and wondered: “who is this mysterious and much-maligned ‘Jess’ about whom David and Kevin cannot stop thinking?” I know I have.

If you’re looking for a break from the pet peeves, the snap judgments, the arrogance, and general holier-than-thou attitude demonstrated by the Ubiquitous Duo, I’m afraid I’ll have to disappoint. In the spirit of this interblog, I’ve decided to contribute my own pet peeve, inspired by a recent firestorm of controversy surrounding David’s latest post. That’s right, Takes The Internet Far Too Seriously Guy, this post is about you. Your self-righteous but, ultimately, cowardly anonymous soapbox rant has found semi-permanent purchase in the electronic archives of Indifferential Diagnosis. Congratulations – if there’s one thing I love more than a good rant, it’s irony.

TTIFTSG, or TISG, for short, is an odd and unfortunate beast. Cursed with a chronic case of Perineal Silicosis, and a close relative of Self-Righteous About Obvious Or Long-Ago Resolved Causes Guy, he spends his evenings perusing and, usually, enjoying the assortment of witty banter that can be found on the internet. Usually benign, TISG has a proclivity for sudden bouts of ineffectual whining and self-righteousness which manifest, usually, in anonymous posts on blogs which have, intentionally or otherwise, touched him in a sensitive place. An ironic animal, TISG often vents his own insecurities by assuming the moral high ground over complete strangers, often engaging in copious amounts of projection in order to make himself feel like a sensitive, intelligent, and worthwhile human being. What places TISG an evolutionary stratum below his cousin SRAOOLARCG is that TISG often, by definition, hides behind the veil of internet anonymity to foist his presumed ethical superiority on others, thereby preventing any potential retaliation.

There are a number of logical fallacies inherent in our local variant of TISG’s behavior. In no particular order, they are:

1) TISG admits to having read at least ’10 other posts’ with ‘shit like this.’ Presumably, if it offended him in this post, ‘this shit’ offended him in these other posts – and yet, he visits this site frequently. Many times a day, in fact. That’s right, TISG – we can see you. In fact, I counter your rhetorical query with one of my own: who goes out of their way to read a blog, created by individuals he does not know, if it offends him so?

2) TISG has judged David and Kevin to be insecure, judgmental people based on their harmless, stream-of-consciousness rants in a blog predominantly intended for friends and classmates. His assertion is based on the UD’s habit of ‘going out of their way’ to judge others. By going out of your way to pass judgment on D and K, TISG, are you not every bit as insecure and judgmental as you accuse them of being?

3) That you continue to read the blog is evidence that you enjoy it. Therefore, one can only presume that you are looking to assure yourself that you can read this blog and still be a good person by condemning others – the difference between you and our hosts is that you, TISG, meant it. Don’t get me wrong, D and K mean every word – especially in re: me – but their intention is not to make anyone feel bad (though they obviously have), but to amuse others who enjoy such humor. You, on the other hand, are serious – and your intention was simple: to attempt (unsuccessfully) to make them feel bad for their work. I leave it to the kangaroo court of classmates and friends to determine which one is, as they say in ‘the biz,’ douchebaggier.

4) The simple truth is that David and Kevin’s posts are predominantly inspired by, to use your eloquent colloquialism, ‘shit like this.’ Without people who acted ridiculously, how would they propagate their insensitive and judgmental wisdom throughout the internet? The self-righteous hilarity of your comment is precisely what makes them, and their fateful readership, tick. That they are meant light-heartedly and sarcastically has obviously been lost upon you. Ergo, you’ve prompted precisely the sort of behavior to which you are opposed.

Still, I must commend you – comments like yours, coming from outside of the intended audience (comedically-astute and thick-skinned individuals) make this all the more enjoyable for those of us. Simply put, TISG, your presence, while confounding and ultimately self-contradictory, is panacea for a pair of writers with nothing better to do than belittle others for their own amusement – immediate reward for minimal effort, borne entirely of your embarrassing misstep. And make no mistake – this is embarrassing for you.

For those of you who want a one-sentence summation of this rant, here it is: the blog is called Indifferential Diagnosis for a reason. Thank you for coming, but check your soapbox at the door.

Unless you’re David or Kevin, of course. That’s just one of the many unfair societal double-standards to which we’re subjected.

I feel so much better about myself, now.